I am not a morning person...

but I find myself more and more often up at 5:00am listening to the birds outside talk away. I wonder what they're saying. I feel bad for the one little bird who distinctively has a different song than the others, that he continually sings but no one else seems to reply (at least not in his song) Do you think they are ignoring him? I feel bad for the little guy.

I admit it, I'm an over analytic person.  It's just who I am.

Here is the latest update.  I'm not one for blogging more personal areas of my life, but I have found that it greatly helps, so I figure I'd give it a go.  The baby still has not passed my body.  It has been a really rough 11 days, I won't sugar coat it.  For starters, I didn't really know what I was up against with a natural miscarriage.  No one really said anything, other than it can take 'a while' (did I also mention I am detailed oriented person? I need specifics!).  What did 'awhile' mean? How much blood would I expect to lose? I already knew it would be painful, just like labor because that's exactly what I'm going through.  I am by no means and "sit-around-and-wonder-when" sort of person either. I can sit around and wait, sure--as long as I know how long I'm waiting for.

As I mentioned before, we don't have insurance and everything I have decided has really been based on trying to be financially responsible.  I was taught to only buy and get things that you can afford and can pay for.  So I was determined to do everything I could to keep the costs as low as possible. The doctor called me Tuesday night and really pushed a D&C.  Maybe he had his reasons, but I felt like is it was just 'more convient' for him.  I told him if he could pay for it, I would gladly get it.  That ended that conversation.  I needed to go in to the doctor's office the next day and get my Rogham shot (I have the Rh factor).  The last thing I wanted to do was go back into that office.  For one, let me tell you a little bit about Dale.  Dale was the midwife who delivered both my babies.  I care not what anyone says, but Dale will simply go down as the best midwife that has ever walked this Earth, and that is no exaggeration, at least in my opinion.  In fact, he was so awesome with both babies, he took pictures like these right after delivery, before anyone else came in and Brandon and I were still soaking up the joy of our newborn babes. The value of these moments is written on our faces:

 My favorite: Only minutes old and smiling at Daddy.

Just a sidenote: I'm a photographer. I have thousands of pictures I love. But these, I cherish. I cherish dearly. He caught such an amazing moment I will never get back. Yep, he's the bestest. And bonus, he also had me laughing during labor. Yep. Laughing, during pushing actually.  Who can do that?! The meds?? Wellll...maybe, but submit it was not! He was just that great! Anyhoo, sorry sidetracked again.

Well Dale up and moved himself to Alaska and no amount of begging from me was going to change his mind.  I vowed that I would not have anymore babies until he returned, but obviously, that was a bit unreasonable.  As stupid as it sounds; I missed Dale. I just felt like if I could be working with him through this miscarriage, it would make everything better.  I didn't want to go into that office because it was a reminder that Dale wasn't there, it was a reminder that my baby was gone while I was surrounded by other excited pregnant ladies, it was a reminder of financial distress.  Since Dale was so unbelievable awesome, he didn't just takes pictures above for me, he did it for everyone.  His pictures, of many different families still hang throughout the facility. Everything was simply a reminder of what I didn't want to remember.

I had a mini-minor breakdown at the office and was happy to be leave and cry in my car.  The doctor also prescribe some methotrexate which was to help my uterus start contracting.  Ever since the day I was able to confirm the miscarriage, my lower back all the way down to my toes were killing me.  It was as if I had an insanely hard workout I neither was neither ready for or prepared for. But instead of easing up as time went on, it got worse and worse.  The pain was nearly unbearable, and I started to take what few pain pills I had (meant for the miscarriage) to just be able to cope with my back. Meanwhile, the miscarriage was moving along extra slowly.  I was not really contracting much nor was I bleeding much.  After finishing my does of the methotrexate, I still was not progressing at all.  On Saturday I woke up to slightly worsening cramps, and I prepared myself. "It would happen today" I told myself.  In reality, I was more than ready to let go of this baby.  As terrible as that sounds, it was so hard to try to move on when it wasn't finished.  My uterus was starting to grow more and I sadly said to Brandon, "I look pregnant, I feel pregnant, I am pregnant....just with a dead baby."  It has just been extremely hard.

Though the cramps eased on Saturday, it was far from a horrible day.  In addition to the severe lower back pain I was feeling, I also developed a insanely bad headache.  I'm not really new to headaches. I get a migraine at least twice a month, and I often go for days on end with headaches.  But this headache has been wicked. The worst I have ever had in my history of headaches.  I literally feel like someone is taking a hatchet to my skull, while someone else is trying to push my brain out from the bottom.  If I was having an aneurysm in my brain, I would not be surprised at all.  The aches in my legs and back made me literally unable to walk and the headache was in and of itself so painful.  I was definitely experiencing pain worse than labor---I was just most definitely not  in labor.

I collapsed in my bed in pain like nothing I have ever experienced before. I was on pain meds, and though they would help the back and leg pain, they did not touch the headache.  It hurt to move, it hurt to turn my head, heck it hurt to talk.  I told Brandon that I needed a Priesthood blessing and I needed it now.  Brandon called our dear bishop who came over right away.  This is a bit a of big step for me as I'm not one to call on others for help (particularly non-family members) but I was so desperate.  I wasn't even able to get out of bed and so they did the blessing right then and there in my bedroom (thankfully it was clean!).  A priesthood blessing is the laying on of hands, and two worthy priesthood holders lay their hands on your head and give you a blessing of healing and comfort.  As they did so, my head throbbed and I sobbed and sobbed, barely able to hear much of the blessing.

The pain killers eventually kicked in for my aches, but the headache remained just as strong and I got very little sleep (which is why I am awake now as well). I spent the entire day in bed, getting up only once to go to the bathroom.  The pain was so intense I couldn't even consider eating (consider eating while in labor---its just not on the radar). I stayed on top of the pain meds religiously, but they were starting to lose their effect it seemed.  I finally got a hold of the doctor who called me back around 6:30pm.  He's kinda vague (remember that part about me being a detailed-person? Ya...we kinda clash).  Long story short, I was not to eat or drink anything past 4 AM and to come into the office around 9:00 and hopefully I can get into surgery around noon for a D&C.  I asked him how much it was going to cost, but he didn't know and advised me to all the surgical center (who is closed of course).  I tried to go online and find out how much a D&C costs, which, as I figured wasn't to helpful. Some people mentioned anywhere from $500-15,000.  That's just a bit of a jump.  Meanwhile, my sister-in-law, who also suffers from bad headaches, gave me some medicine that helps her headaches. I took it like it was candy--in addition to the pain killers I was already on. Surprisingly and sadly enough, it also gave no help and my head continue to throb.

I had already accepted a D&C was necessary.  I tried everything: prayer, meditation, medication. I tried to tell my body that it was okay to let go of the baby and that it was time.  When cramps happened, I welcomed them, focusing on the task at hand rather than the pain. But in the end, it did nothing to help speed up the process and my body was in no hurry to let it go.  I am not really sure if my back and leg pain and headache are associated with the miscarriage, but I just know I can't go on for days and days like this.  I just can't.

Here's where it gets sappy, and maybe a little pathetic and unreasonable, but hey--it helps me.  Although I accepted the D&C, all the sudden I felt an overwhelming degree of sadness.  I had planned on getting some closure from the natural miscarriage.  I wanted to be able to see my baby.  I'm in a line of work where I see many fetus', sometimes as young as mine, so I felt prepared for what I'd see and felt comfortable with it. I guess I wanted to tell it goodbye and that I was sorry.  I know this miscarriage wasn't my fault, but I complained so much about being sick, and I say this with hoping nobody will judge me, but it is sometimes really hard to be excited for something when you are so sick.  Please don't misunderstand, I was excited about the baby and it was definitely wanted, but when you are unable to do anything for weeks on end, it can be hard at times to be remember the joy.   I feel like the short time I had with this baby, I spent it negatively, and I am ridden with guilt because of it. I wanted to let this baby know that even though I didn't seem very happy during my time with it, it was definitely wanted and that I still grieve everyday that I won't get to have it.  Having the doctor take this baby out while I'm unconscious, when I had already planned on the natural miscarriage.. .all the sudden things seems so unfair and I want to back out.  But my splitting headache and cramping reminds me that I have two kids and a husband who need me to get better, and that this is what I need to do.  And hey, now that I've rambled on forever, I continue to have a fever. Which is never a good sign. What the heck? I think the probability of getting an infection during a natural miscarriage is like .001%.  Combine that with the fact that methotrexate works on 85% of its patients and I think I just simply must be a one in a million kind-of-gal. 

So there you have it---if you are still around reading, I know that was nearly considered a novel.  I will keep you posted on what the day will bring.  If I could only be rid of this headache, everything would look brighter.